Make the Search for Love Beautiful

Just Some Reflections.

Damn it, i’ll set the scene.

Driving home from the rec today, 9:00, humid as hell, but just enough breeze to keep me from turning on the A/C and rolling the windows up. The new Bon Iver album was playing, louder than necessary, and (as cliche as this sounds) the wind blowing through my fucking hair.

It was an out-of-body experience. Almost Cathartic. (probably due to the generally incredible sounds emanating from my speakers combined with some slow driving and said weather) 

I realized a couple things,

1) This is the best summer iv’e ever had. I have spent the majority of my time with people I adore to an immeasurable extent. I am so grateful for friends and family. 

2) I miss her, way more than I thought I would. It’s not a “what the fuck I miss her and wanna hug her and do sappy shit with her because we’re so in love and blah blah blah” kind of miss you, but rather just an empty part of my day, a void in routine if you will. I had no idea what the magnitude of this void would’ve been before she left, but it’s significant. I think about her a lot, and I think about how much I like her. Call me crazy, just call me crazy.

3) I miss my mummy. I don’t know why, but I long for her to tell me she loves me, because I’m too stubborn to say it first. My pride will be my tragic end one day, I swear.

It all feels new.

The smell on my sheets, the shoes at my door when she’s here, the way we hug, it all feels so new, so refreshing. I enjoy it, to say the least. There is a distinct difference between being happy and being joyful; happy is the expression of contentment or pleasure, while joyful is defined as “Feeling, expressing, or causing great pleasure and happiness”. I feel joyful, I feel like not only am I able to feel and express my happiness, but I am able to cause and share it as well. It really is a wonderful thing, being able to share such feelings with others around you, and to reciprocate it with the ones causing your joy.

it bounces back, and forth.

And back, and forth.

And back and forth and back and forth.

Until you’ve got so much fucking joy you don’t even know where to put it all.

This Weekend.

Was Un-fucking-believable.

Driving Away.

I felt like a giddy little fucking kid. I almost crashed into a mailbox because I was so distracted with what the night had held for me.

Red Light.

I almost got out of the car and did a fucking heel-click. I hadn’t felt that way in the longest while.

Green Light

She said the night was “perfect”, as cliche as it sounded, I couldn’t think of any other adjective to describe it better, the perfect mix of humor, food, smiling, laughing, and a spoonful of romance.

Just rolled through a stop sign.

Quote of the night: “If Jesus came now, I think i’d be okay”

I think I’m more than okay. Double heel-click on the way.

A post for my friends.

Iv’e been the happiest I have, honestly, ever been the past 5 days.

The lightheartedness that my friends let me experience is incomparable to any other feeling that I have witnessed before. Spending time with them is so relaxing, and rejuvenating. My lack of friends in my previous two years has really led me to an honest, humble appreciation of the relationships I am so lucky to have today. Things are and have been turning around fast, and as of right now, I am more than excited as to what the future (and more specifically the summer) will hold for me. Losing a friend (due to any circumstance) is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things for a being to emotionally cope with. Losing my best friend, Brandon, to a brain tumor 2 years brought about the most human emotions I had ever felt. Death reminds us that we are human, and the emotions Death brings upon our beings remind us that so is everyone else around us.

Here’s to Brandon, for he knows that the positive impact he brought upon me is invaluable.

Here’s to Nicole, Casey, and Stevie, for reminding us how to love, especially in times of adversity.

Here’s to Summer, and my hoping that it will be one to remember for all of us lucky to experience it

Here’s to Kelsey, Jennifer, Basil, Emily, Chris, Justin, Mohammad, and Matt, for being my friends.

And here’s to you, I hope this note finds you in good health, good spirit, and a full stomach. And if it doesn’t, here’s to you finding the courage to pick yourself up.

Love, Aj

finnsblog1 asked: Your blog is algebraic

I do not know what this means. I don’t know if my Tumblr vocabulary is just not up to par or this fellow enjoys comparing peoples’ blogs with descriptive, irrelevant arithmetic words.

Will someone enlighten me?

Quite a selfish post, albeit necessary.

Recently, I’ve been having trouble revealing myself to others.  This, in my memory, has never proved to be an issue for me, and it is a little frightening, admittedly. Normally, whenever I find myself wanting to open up to someone, to give my input, to state my claim, I can do so in a breath, with an ease and security.

Today, one of my close friends came to me for some advice, they came to me in a time of need and presented me with their problem. After hearing out the issue they were dealing with, I noticed it was remarkably similar to an issue I had dealt with previously in the past, and I had a life experience (albeit a bit personal) that i wanted to share with them. I couldn’t find it in myself to share the life experience with my friend. At first glance of the situation, I thought that I developed a self-consciousness for that moment, that I didn’t want my friend to judge me as a result of the content of the story. It was a little strange for me, as I often take pride in having the (for lack of a better term), “I don’t give a fuck” attitude when it comes to how other people perceive me. After the conversation with my friend concluded, I found myself still a little haunted by my sudden reluctance.

After a dinner, showers, and some thoughtful thinking thyme, My hypothesis of self-consciousness earlier was very wrong. What I thought was self-consciousness turned out to be pride, quite the opposite end of the spectrum. Recently, I’ve allowed my self to justify everything I’ve been doing, and in my mind, making everything I’ve been doing good and right. I did not want to cloud the halo I myself placed overhead with a story of a fragmented past, this is why I did not share the story with my friend. And regrettably, ended the conversation.

This illusion that I have created for myself, although very human, is not a habit that I can allow to continue. It is something that has the potential of seriously, if not fatally, damaging relationships that I hold close. This is really an issue i need to nip now, before it escalates into something more catastrophic and harder to control. I’m thankful that I was able to recognize this problem at an early stage, allowing me to begin taking action against it now. I feel like I’m growing up.

This might be the first time in a long time that I’m doing something for the better of myself, not to win a girl over or prove to someone that I’m something I’m not.

I, Too, Sing Her Song

This was an assignment for AMSTUD.

I, Too, Sing Her Song

I, Too, Sing Her Song

I am of the shattered, once strong, once brave.

I heave myself away to intoxication and clouds

When my cowardice over shadows my intellect

But when I weep when I walk when I wonder

And when I mend the hems that must be mended

Ill shake off the dust and sing her song.

This time next week

I’ll be singing her song, under my covers,

With no lights on

Ill be swaying to the sudden sound of silence

I won’t dare tell myself, to sew on patches

For me to cover, for me to bare

Incidents, recovery, scars lay there

I won’t dare

Think at myself

“Sing your song again”

Besides,

I know there’s love within myself, beautiful and simple

They’ll understand

And be understood

I, Too, Sing Her Song

ruefle asked: What genre would you classify The Sunny Side as? And would you only sing those songs of that genre or are you willing to deviate?? (btw, I loved your cover of I Want it That Way!)

I would classify The Sunny Side as (for lack of a better term) Acoustic Pop-Rock.  As stupid and annoying as that sounds, that’s probably some of the music I enjoy the most. (i.e The Scene Aesthetic, The Honorary Title, Copeland Etc.)  We try not to “Form-fit” ourselves into any particular genre or category.  We love all types of music, Chris his weird ass Mika/Japanese Metal stuff, Koki opera and Michael Buble, our musical tastes and backgrounds could span vast empires. So the answer to your question, we’re up for anything, challenge us!

And thank you!

-Aj

Hee-Haw

The Hundred Acre Woods is my home.

A lot of times, i feel like Eeyore. Grey, literally and figuratively speaking, there’s an air of remorse and fragility around him. His tail, his detachable tail, serves as a constant reminder of his brokenness, his scar. Throughout his adventures, we never really find out the incident where Eeyore lost his tail, but he never struggles with the issue of the tail being fake.

We all have scars, they are inevitable.

I believe that one of the biggest parts of life, the biggest parts of growing up, is learning to live with your scars. I’m guilty of lying, cheating, and stealing. Lying to myself and others, cheating myself and others out of love and respect, and stealing memories through words spoken too soon and the untimely sound of silence.  How much strength does it take, to wake up every morning (not feeling like P. Diddy), look yourself dead in the the fucking mirror, and tell yourself that

“A tail isn’t a tail to them, it’s just a little bit extra at the back.”

Learn a lesson from the strongest character in literary history, live with that little bit of extra.